The least fun I've ever had on a boat

[Figment]

Last night was the start of the Spring racing series. These aren't folks that I have much occasion to see over the winter, so it was nice to see the gang on the dock and catch up a bit before casting off.
We had one heavy boat, considering that it was the 1st race.
The skipper
Skipper's wife/pitcrew
The Navigator
The Ace Bowman (no kidding, heavily recruited)
and myself.
A few new bodies present...
The navigator's girlfriend and her (roughly guessing) 6 year old son Will.
The navigator's cousin, who clearly hadn't spent much time under sail.
The Sailmaker who had recut a couple of sails over the winter.
8-1/2 people aboard a 30 footer.

As the Ace Bowman and I caught up on things while rigging the boat, we had a chuckle as we overheard The Sailmaker's attempt to entertain the boy Will with "pirate stories". A little advice; when telling stories to a 6 year old, avoid use of words like "privateer" and "conquest".
The boat had only been launched days earlier, so it took a while to get things sorted, and the sorting was still in progress as we realized that the flag was in the RC signalman's hand for the 5minute warning. Stow the beer! kill the motor and get some sail in the air!!!!!

So the start was a bit of a chaotic blur, but that's to be expected, I thought. 5 minutes into the leg it occurred to me that The Sailmaker had been barking a steady stream of orders all the while, and was showing no signs of shutting up anytime soon. Appallingly rude and abrasive (even to the 6yr old), but the Skipper wasn't shutting him up so I imagined that perhaps he was being paid to come along as a "coach" for this race.

A mile or so later, it occurred to me that this couldn't possibly be the case, as The Sailmaker wasn't being at all instructive, but simply downright abusive. A mile or so after that, I was almost amused to simply sit back and watch him scramble all over the boat, trying to do everyone's job because they clearly weren't doing it properly. If it weren't for my smoldering rage, it would have been quite the comic show.
As we neared the finish, Skipper's Wife quietly assured me that The Sailmaker (who, by the way, hadn't spent 30 seconds checking the set of the recut sails) would not be onboard for the rest of the summer. While I appreciated the sentiment, it was far too little and too late. No amount of beer could rinse the incredibly bitter taste from my mouth.

As soon as we crossed the line I made my way to the pointy end, wishing the boat were 30' longer. I was soon joined by the Bowman and Navigator, and between the three of us we were amazed to realize that we had no recollection of our surroundings during the race. None of us could recall sea state, wind shifts, roundings, the performance of any competitors, or really anything beyond our compulsion to send The Sailmaker swimming.

The sunset was nice on the ride home, but really that was the least fun I've ever had on a boat.

[Tim]

I hate people like that, and it's one of the reasons I got so tired of racing. The annoying person you describe must be cloned several times over in all racing fleets everywhere, but taking a variety of forms, from boatbuilder to boatyard guy to "sailing guru" of unknown background, to just plain old Joes off the street. What they call themselves doesn't matter; they all act as if their sole purpose in life is to show others just how wrong they've been doing things forever, and how much better their way is.

At least you know where NOT to take your sails now.

[Ric in Richmond]

My last crew adventure was on a boat named Flexible Flyer.

Seems skipper (know it all attorney) would give son (know it all college boy) decision making authority, then revoke it at the last second when he disagreed with the decision.

The resulting battles would leave the rail meat softly discussing the outcome of the fight and if one would kill the other before we got done. There were certainly times when those of us on the rail wished one would toss the other overboard and we could get back to racing!

I had to tell them that I went sailing to race and have fun....if I wanted stress I'd go to the office. I have crewed on several top level boats and there was NEVER stress like there was on that boat.

Haven't crewed since then...about 5 years now.

I have to think that if one was not there all would be fine as each seemed to be fine when not in the company of the other.

[Ceasar Choppy]

OK Ric... admit it.... your worst day on the water was still better than your best day at work, no?

Sorry you had to deal with a know-it-all who obviously was trying to overcompensate for his own shortcomings.

[Figment]

Upon reflection, it really came down to the fact that the guy simply had no situational awareness.
It was NOT the J24 National Championship, it was a wednesday night beercan race. Granted, it's the most competitive beercan racing I know about, but still not a situation that warranted such intensity.

The boat was way overstaffed. We'd have been happy to simply execute each maneuver without stumbling all over each other.
Some of the crew were completely unfamiliar with the boat, and even the "regulars" were just trying to shake off the winter's rust. It was ludicrous to expect anything resembling a well-oiled machine.

And it's one thing for a boat owner to be a bit of a dictator, that almost comes with the territory, but to adopt that attitude as a guest on someone else's boat, when you're not even on the helm was just absurd.

The truly unforgivable component of it all was that this behavior took place with a little kid on board. Will had a grin on his face when he was learning to hank-on the foresail, and again at the end of the race when the gun fired on the RCboat, but he spent the intervening time getting barked at and generally wondering why. I'll bet jet skis look REALLY cool to him now.

[Duncan]

For what it's worth, those seem to be the ones who are the most anxious and least knowledgeable - I've never met a good sailor like that. (Those are the ones who make it look easy, and like it was your idea in the first place - they're usually the ones that win, too)